Some people can handle a case of the sniffles with dignity and one regular-sized box of Kleenex. Unfortunately, for those near and dear to me, I am not one of those people.
I am the world’s worst sick person.
It doesn’t matter what the infliction, a minor cold, a nasty stomach flu, a simple sunburn…I will find approximately 977 ways to complain about it.
I will always be too hot or too cold. I will always be starving, yet no food will sound appetizing. I will always be bored but there will be nothing on television. There is never EVER enough Kleenex. And I will forever be out of Nyquil.
I am not proud of these things but I know they are true.
Because I’m the world’s worst sick person I try my best to avoid illness, or slight unpleasantness at all costs. I take my multi-vitamins religiously. I always have a complete, well-balanced breakfast. I sleep at least eight hours a night. I gladly eat my fruit and vegetables. I wash my hands more than anyone else I know. And in the summer I go through approximately two bottles of sunblock a week.
In short, I am clearly holding up my end of the bargain and my immune system should back me up.
But alas, it doesn’t matter how many millions of times I wash my hands, or how many servings of fruit I eat, I’m eventually going to get sick.
And when I inevitably do get sick there is only one advantage: I get to miss work.
But when you’re a grownup that’s just not the case. In some sick twist of fate, now the work waits for you to return. Tasks and assignments piling up on your desk as you sit at home on your couch growing massive piles of used Kleenex in the vicinity of the trash can.
You just can’t catch a break. And neither can your workload.
Quite possibly the worst part of being sick though, is the call in portion. When I was younger, my mother always took care of this particularly tricky task. She would simply call the school’s office and tell them I wouldn’t be coming in. Easy peasey. End of story.
But now that I’m forced to do it myself, I’ve run into my fair share of problems. I have this nasty habit of always speaking much nicer on the phone than I do in real life. This annoying practice I picked up from years of working in customer service where I had to pretend to be a nice person. So now when I phone my superiors to call in sick I always speak in this perky, pleasant voice that makes me sound like a giant faker.
Thankfully though, I occasionally luck out and get a sore throat which is the only time my call-in-sicks sound genuine.
My past sick day was one such miraculous day.
And now I just have a massive workload to look forward to on Monday when I return to my desk.
For now though I’ll stick to my comfy spot on the couch with my box of Kleenex, of which, I’m already running out.
Oh no, and unless I’m mistaken I’m also feeling really cold and I’m quite possibly starving. And dear God, why isn’t there anything good on television?