Price Charming is a Football Head

If he wasn’t nine years old and fictional, Arnold from Nickelodeon’s “HeyArnold!” would be my ideal man.

He’s smart. He’s funny. He’s always willing to lend a hand to someone in need. And because he his head is a bit oddly-shaped, I would never have to buy him hats.

In short, “Short Man” is the guy for me.

If by some sort of magical and scientific miracle, I was able to step into the cartoon world of Arnold, I’d most definitely be Helga G. Pataki.

In the elementary school world it would be impossible for me to voice my Arnold-love-aloud, so like Helga, I would have to resort to throwing spit balls at the back of his football-shaped head.

However, I probably wouldn’t write poems about him and I most definitely would not create a shrine to the guy in the back of my closet using only his used gum.

Though Helga’s Arnold-adoration is beyond creepy, I at least understand where she’s coming from: Arnold is just plain awesome so it’s hard to blame her for all the loving.

For one, Arnold’s family would make the world’s best in-laws. Grandpa Phil, the wily old coot, could teach me invaluable life lessons using his stories of the good old days. Grandma Gertie could lead me on exciting, ill-conceived adventures involving neat costumes and cool code names. Together we’d all live happily ever after in the Sunset Arms Boarding House.

I would be especially happy if Arnold and I got to reside in his sweet, pimped-out penthouse. Sure, I might rid the place of its alien-themed wallpaper but overall you can’t ask for a better apartment space. I mean, the guy has wall to wall skylights and a couch that folds out of the wall with a touch of a button.If this isn’t awesome, I don’t know what is.

Also, I’m completely positive Gerald Johanssen, Arnold’s ring man, would welcome me with open arms. He could tell me the legends of the neighborhood and teach me how to get my hair to stand up that high on my head. Whenever I did anything noteworthy he would tell me I’m “a bold kid” and in time, he would surely teach me that fancy handshake he and Arnold share.

Arnold, Gerald and I would be confronted with ethical and moral dilemmas on a daily basis. Together we would solve these predicaments within a half hour time period (22 minutes if you don’t count commercial breaks).

My football-headed Prince Charming and I would make the world a better place, starting with P.S. 118.

Unfortunately, Arnold is not a a real person. Though this is not a huge revelation, it is however, a major bummer.

Since my dream man only exists in cartoon form, I was forced to settle for someone who does not have a football-shaped head. Though the obvious disadvantage of this is he’s not Arnold, he is however, much easier to buy hats for.