I Do (not like weddings)

Growing up, I never dressed up as a bride for Halloween. Instead, I dressed as a witch three years running as I found the neat pointed hat to be a more fitting fashion statement than a flowery veil.

Likewise, my Barbie dolls never enacted lavish weddings. In fact, my Barbie dolls were never even married. My Barbie never exclusively saw Ken because she wasn’t really into monogamy. Instead, my Barbie kept her options open in case one of the G.I. Joes became available. This progressive Barbie dating philosophy probably stemmed from too many hours of watching soap operas at the babysitter’s. (This penchant for soap operas in preschool also lead me to believe I had an evil twin lingering somewhere. But that’s another story).

Whether or not my affinity for soap operas is to blame, I was just never that into weddings.

There are numerous reasons I’m not pro-wedding. For one, I’m vehemently anit-PDA. As I’m not a big fan of the mushy stuff, weddings have never really been my scene. When it comes to PDA I’m pretty much a seven year old boy who has to resist the urge to say “gross” and “yuck” whenever there’s hugging and kissing and general all-around lovey-dovey-ness.

My anti-PDA stance does not stop me from being happy people are in love. That’s just plain awesome. But on the other hand, I’m not a huge fan of people who have to broadcast their love every chance they get by making out in hallways, public eating establishments, etc. Yes, I get it, you like each other. However, I’d appreciate it if you removed your tongues from each other’s mouthes while I’m in your prescence.

I have attended weddings that went pretty easy on the mushy stuff, this I greatly appreciated. But even with minimal lovey-dovey-ness you can’t get past the fact that a wedding is the end all be all in terms of public displays of affection. There’s just no getting around it, with a wedding comes affection and unfortunately, the public.

I also dislike weddings because I’m a giant cheapskate. And just as a wedding is the end all be all in terms of PDA it’s also the epitome of ridiculous expenditures. I don’t even want to think about how much money I have spent on cardstock and ribbon in the past few months. Though I’m not exactly sure how much money I have spent on these seemingly useless craft supplies, I’m sure it’s quite a bit, judging by the Hobby Lobby receipts that seem to be over-running my purse.

The third and final reason I’m not a pro-wedding advocate is I’m not particularly girlie. For this reason, I’m not a big fan of the bridal beauty regimens advertised as a necessity for every blushing bride. It seems as though a large part of my preparation for the “big day” should involve me changing colors: my hair should be highlighted, my skin should get tanner and my teeth should be bleached into blinding white submission. All of these things seem to involve a lot of time and money I’m not really willing to put in, so I suppose I will have to face the “big day” unprepared.

As my “big day” quickly approaches, everyone seems to be asking me if I’m excited. Which to be honest, I’m not.

My ideal wedding had always involved a quick elopement to Vegas, complete with the Elvis impersonator officiant. (Again, it’s possible I watched too much television as a child).

Though my wedding day won’t exactly be the cheesy, Sin City extravaganza I had hoped for, I’m sure I will like it. Because though I’m anti-big-giant-wedding, I’m not exactly anti-love and marriage and all that other mushy junk.

Whenever I tell people I’m not exactly the wedding-type they look at me like I’m the Grinch of nuptials. Which is most certainly not true. So far I have yet to steal all of a couple’s gifts and run off to my secret lair in the mountains. You know, so far.

As many of my friends are getting married in the near future, I feel it’s extremely important to point out I will not let my personal dislike for weddings ruin your big day. Because if I’m invited to your wedding I inevitably think you and your significant other are awesome. I also sincerely appreciate the fantastic food, alcohol and cake you have presumably provided me at no cost. For this reason, I hereby promise not to be a wedding day party-pooper. I will even go so far as to clink on those glasses like a champ. (Though I’ll probably turn away when you actually kiss, because yeah, that whole PDA thing…)