Santa’s worst elf

I suck at Christmas.

I don’t necessarily hate Christmas or anything, it’s just, I’m not particularly good at it. The cards, the carols, the gifts, the whole Yuletide cheer thing: I’m not an expert. If I was a Christmas elf for example, I’d be the one hiding in the breakroom at Santa’s Workshop not making toys for all the good little girls and boys.

I’m not the Grinch or Scrooge or anything, I’m just not really  into the whole Christmas thing. I’m all for the birth of Jesus and all that jazz. That’s awesome. I’m not against spending time with family and friends. Nor am I against all of the awesome holiday food. That’s all fantastic. It’s just, everything else, I could probably do without.

For starters, the cards. I don’t do them. I don’t carefully write out sentimental and considerate letters to my family and friends to wish them all a very, merry holiday season. Sure, I want them all to have a very, merry holiday season but I don’t want to spend any part of my equally merry holiday season addressing hundreds of envelopes. I hate envelopes. I’d prefer instead that everyone I know just assume I wish them a happy holidays. That way, you’re happy, I’m happy and I don’t have to waste any money on stamps. Win-win-win.

Then there’s the carols, I don’t do them either. I don’t sing, ever. Period. This I do as a favor to anyone who can hear. As my brother has so often and so wisely told me: “If you can’t sing: don’t.” So as a special gift to everyone within earshot, each holiday season I keep  my mouth shut. You’re welcome. I’m happy to give this gift to all mankind because I’m not a big fan of Christmas carols anyway. I’ve worked at Walmart, where the Christmas carols and angry Christmas shoppers start immediately after Halloween, after that, you can’t really appreciate “Holly, Jolly Christmas” they same way you did before.

Speaking of cranky Christmas shoppers, that leads me to the gifts. Gifts, are arguably the worst part of the holiday season for me. Now, I’m not saying I don’t like getting presents. Getting presents is fantastic. Whoever said it’s better to give than to receive must have been way better at giving than me. I’m terrible at buying Christmas presents. I can never think of the right gift. If gift cards had never been invented, no one I know would ever receive a gift.  Now, this is not to say I don’t put a lot of thought into these gifts. I always take great care in picking the best-designed gift card. You like snowmen: gift card with a snowman on it, it is. You like penguins, gift card with penguins, coming at you.

In the past, I actually attempted to give people thoughtful gifts of the non-plastic variety. It’s just I wasn’t very good at it. On the day after Christmas, customer service desks everywhere were filled with people who received my lame gifts. As someone who worked at a customer service desk, I feel it is my duty not to clog these lines with the beneficiaries of my inept, gift-giving attempts.

So to the employees of customer service desks everywhere, Merry Christmas. And to my friends and family, please enjoy your gift cards.

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