Projecting Resolutions: The Lazy Person’s Guide to a Better New Year (for me, not really for you)

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because I, like every other well-intended, overly-optimistic schmuck, never actually keep them. Ever.

Plus, I have long since succumbed to apathy.

When I was in high school and still  floating around in that blissfully naive stage before the real world smacks you in the face with it banal realness, I made resolutions. They were your standard garden-variety women’s health magazine resolutions such as eat healthier and lose 10 lbs. for no apparent reason.

It’s probably prudent for me to mention that in high school I was extremely anal-retentive and hyper-organized. I also read far too many of my mother’s Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal magazines. (I like magazines. If you hand me one, I will read it. Whether it’s Sports Illustrated or Martha Stewart Living). I will read it. I will likely enjoy it and if there are articles about improving your health and well being in “Five Easy Steps,” I will write down the steps and I will valiantly attempt them—or at least attempt to valiantly attempt them.

Naive pre-real world me, would make similarly OCD lists to help me tackle my  New Year’s resolutions. I would create a daily exercise plan, which would efficiently incorporate all of the exercise equipment in our basement that generally did nothing but collect dust and get in the way of the more-frequently used ping pong table. I would resolve to count calories, eat more more green, leafy vegetables and drink less green, sugar-laced beverages (namely Mountain Dew).

I would wake up January 1,fresh-faced, ambitious and determined to start off my new year as a healthy, well-balanced, nutrient-rich individual.

Then I’d eat ice cream for breakfast and figure, ahh, screw it.

After I did that a few years running, my New Years resolutions started to seem phony, even to me. This is particularly impressive because I’m very skilled at deluding myself into thinking I’m awesome at everything. But even I, of the constantly over-inflated ego, could not convince myself that I had what it took to make and keep New Year’s resolutions.

So, as I’ve given up on myself resolving anything productive, this year I’m going to make a resolution that does not put any pressure on me. This year I’m throwing my New Year’s resolution out to the rest of the world.

Generally, I’m pretty picky person. I’m very easily annoyed. I write people off for stupid, inane reasons related to inconsequential matters such as what their favorite television show is and whether or not they use prepositions to end sentences with. (I did that on purpose, grammar nerds. Stand down).

Also, on a related note, I generally dislike all people who do not understand my twisted, slightly terrible and on most occasions overly-offensive sense of humor. This is unfair to everyone because very few people are warped enough to get my lame jokes or even to understand they were meant to be jokes.

So this year my New Year’s resolution is to stop being so judgmental and George Costanza-esque. This will be exhausting and I’ve already proven I’m untrustworthy and incapable of following through with things so, by default, this resolution really falls onto everyone else.

Dear everyone else, in 2012, please try to like better television shows that do not prominently feature laugh tracks as though they are the show’s main character. Please learn to laugh at yourself, or me, if you find that to be easier. Please loosen up. laugh a bit more and if you’re up to it, just go ahead and eat some ice cream for breakfast.

It’s good for you. Trust me.

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