Prince Charming Sucks

Prince Charming is only charming because the story always ends before he has the opportunity to forget to do the dishes.

If Prince Charming was a real person he probably wouldn’t even know how to do the dishes.

Prince Charming would be an absolute dud in the real world because he would completely lack any useful skills. In fairy tales, these allegedly charming princes are always gallivanting around the countryside on white stallions wooing sweet, young maidens. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not prone to fantasizing about sleazy playas rocking outdated forms of transportation.

But maybe that’s just me. I’m not a Prince Charming kinda gal and I never have been.

Even back in the day I could see through the Prince Charming hype.

Growing up I was never a huge fan of the Disney classics, namely because all of the characters I was supposed to relate to were incredibly lame .

Let’s take Ariel for instance, she’s a petite mer-person. That’s pretty cool I guess. I mean part human, part fish. What’s not to love? Also she’s a princess with all the neat perks that come with that, like that primo golden castle she has under the sea and all of those crustacean and fishy buddies.

She’s got the life.

No one in their right mind would walk away from this sweet set-up. Which is exactly the problem with Ariel: she’s an idiot or she’s insane. Or both.

Just because some prince guy looks good on a boat, Ariel rushes over to her arch-enemy to trade her vocal cords for a pair of legs. Maybe it’s just me, but this seems a tid bit desperate. Clearly, Ariel is not practitioner of the “hard-to-get” approach.

Sure, they end up “falling in love” and all that jazz but not before Ariel gets in a nasty fight with the scary Ursula and Ariel’s lobster bud almost becomes dinner.

I mean the prince guy was cute in animated terms I guess, but certainly not worth losing Sebastian over.

Then there’s Snow White who marries the guy who kissed her when, for all intents and purposes, she appeared to be dead. Necrophilia, anyone? Not okay.

Now if Snow White was smart, which she obviously wasn’t, she would have just stayed with the seven dwarves who had really exceptional work ethics and the good spirit to whistle while the slaved away in the mines.

Then there is Cinderella, who is the world’s most celebrated human doormat. Yes, I get it, in olden times women couldn’t just run away from their horrid families and pursue a new career as a dental hygienist or something.

So yes, I understand that Cinderella didn’t have the way or the means to hightail it away from her seriously deranged stepmother and stepsisters. But even if she couldn’t have made a break for it, she could have stuck up for herself at least a little bit.

Turning the other cheek is all well and good, but I really think I would have liked Cinderella a lot more if she would have at least been feisty enough to spit in her stepmother’s soup.

Since I think Cinderella’s the ultimate pathetic wimp I’m not too impressed by some prince who falls in love with her and drags her shoe around the kingdom like a disturbed foot fetishist.

So, women of the world, I wish you luck in your search for Prince Charming. I ’m sure if you keep advertising for him in your Facebook statuses he’ll be bound to turn up.

And if he does, he’s all yours. I want you to keep him.

I don’t want him: he can’t even do the dishes.