Relationship Advice You Don’t Want to Hear but Need to Know

Okay, just so we’re all on the same page here, let me point out in advance that I am in no way trained or qualified to give relationship advice. The opinions I’m about to share are not backed up by any facts, figures or science.

These are simply the rants of an egotistical bigmouth who bombards everyone with her advice even though it is unsolicited and quite possibly, completely wrong. If you decide to follow said advice and it fails miserably, that’s on you, buddy. I warned you.

So, let’s get to it.  Finding a boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be the hardest part in this whole relationship thing. After you trick someone into being with you, you can pretty much just coast after that.

Unfortunately, this finding a significant other bit can be the most difficult part for some people, but never fear, I’m here to break it down step by step with completely untested advice that may not help at all.

Step 1: Cool it with the Cyber Stalking

The problem with dating in today’s society is we all know way too darn much about everyone. Facebook friendships have completely taken away any sort of mystery that people were able to convey before the advent of the too-much-information generation.

If you “friend” some kid in your Biology class simply because you think he’s kind of cute, it just takes you a few clicks to see all of his favorite movies, television shows and books. (Sidenote: If your potential significant other doesn’t list any books or only lists Twilight, just give up on him or her now. They are not “the one.” They are just not.)

All of this information is just sitting on someone’s profile waiting for you to read it. This is boring. This takes almost all the fun out of getting to know someone. Also, because all of this information is readily available, it’s so much easier to find a reason not to give someone a chance.

I’m so thankful I started dating before the birth of Facebook because had I known my future husband would have listed “If you’re not part of the solution, you are the precipitate,” as one of his favorite quotations on his Facebook page, it’s highly unlikely I would have dated him or eventually married him. I mean, that’s pretty dorky. (I’m just kidding though, mostly…)

So do yourself a favor and if you’re just starting to “talk to” or “hang out” with someone (or whatever kids say these days) resist the urge to snoop around his or her social networking profile to judge your compatibility based on his or her favorite movies. This way, you won’t throw out a perfectly decent person arbitrarily simply because he or she happens to like Ace Ventura.

Great, you’ve resisted the urge to cyber stalk your potential girlfriend/boyfriend despite how easy it is to do so. Congrats, way to exercise restraint. Now it’s time to utilize this new restraint on your own little virtual world.

Step 2: Cool it with the Over-Sharing

Let’s start with your Facebook statuses and Tweets – calm down with those.

No one finds it attractive if every, single day your Facebook status reads something like this: “Susie Sadface had the WORST DAY EVER!!! :(” Guess what, Susie Sadface, you said that yesterday, and the day before and the day before that. Ad Nauseam. It gets old.

Everyone is beginning to think that you’ve either got a teensy bit of a problem with exaggeration or you’re a major Debbie Downer. Either way, neither of these personality traits is very appealing to potential suitors.

If you’re seriously that upset about the state of your life, do something about it, if not, try to calm down on the “WORST DAY EVER” posts. Broadcasting your problems to your “friends list” is not the most effective way to improve things. It is however, an effective way to have everyone block you on their “News Feed” (including that cute kid from your Biology class I mentioned earlier).

(Sidenote: If you read that last bit and thought to yourself “Ashley, you’re a hypocritical toad-face. You’re a serial complainer who up until recently was always complaining about work,” you were totally right to think that. I was. But now I stopped and also, I’m married so I can do whatever the heck I want.)

Anyhoo…back to the list:

Step 3: If You Like Someone, Man or (Wo)man up and Tell Them

You are not in third grade. If you like someone and want to date them, tell them. If you don’t like someone in that way but he or she thinks you do, tell them. It’s not cool to keep people on retainer. You do not get to bench a player and sub him or her back in when your top choice is put on IR. This is not Fantasy Football.

If you have a feeling somebody’s benching you in favor of their top dating candidate, you should stop liking this person. Like somebody else. No one wants to sit on the bench.

 Step 4: Keep Dating Each Other as Long as You Both Want to

As long as you two keep being nice to each other, respecting each other and taking turns doing the dishes, you should be all set.

And they lived (mostly) happily ever after. The end.

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