Rise and Shine, Just Not Near Me

I’m not a morning person. Seriously, in the morning I am not a person. In the morning I am a moaning, grumbling, shuffling blob with really unfortunately messy hair. If you need further visualization, picture a shorter, female, far less hairy Sasquatch in pajamas: that’s me.

Now some people would say this type of unsociable behavior in the a.m. is rude and selfish. These merry morning people would say I should wake up each morning with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. These people –though insufferably self-righteous—have a point: I should be grateful to wake up each morning and have another shot at this life stuff. The thing is, I am grateful but I would be a heck of a lot more grateful if my “wakeup and greet the day” time was well, more around noon.

There’s a common misconception that those of us who prefer more of an afternoon wakeup call are a lazy bunch. Though this claim may be a fair assessment of a few of us, it’s not accurate across the board. I, for instance, am not a lazy morning person. I’m just a highly effective night owl who deserves to catch a few extra Zs in the morning because I was up being super, mind-blowingly productive the night before.

If anything, my tendency toward night owl behavior is just a further extension of my obsessive compulsive personality (which is well, pretty much the opposite of lazy). For instance, when most of these merry morning people are snoozing their lives away like chumps after the nightly news, that’s usually when I start to do something actually productive: like dusting or reorganizing my closet which (in most people’s opinion was probably already organized).

Even as a kid, I got some of my best cleaning done after the rest of my household was sawing logs. Okay, I feel I need to clarify a few things after my last comment. Number one, I realize it’s very strange for a child to voluntarily clean their closet. I did it anyway. Number two, my parents likely did not know I was up past my bedtime reorganizing my Barbie accessories because I couldn’t fall asleep. As a parent what would you say in that situation anyway? “Hey kid, stop doing chores I haven’t assigned and go to sleep”?

I’ll never know what my parents would have said because they never caught me bizarrely refolding my socks at 2 a.m. They never caught me because I am a considerate night owl who can do things very quietly so that I don’t wake everyone up like some kind of jerk. This, I’ve found, is not a common trait among morning people.

It seems most of the morning people I know think it’s their personal duty to make sure I’m awake when they’re awake. And when they’re awake far too early turning on lights that are far too bright and saying “Rise and shine!” far too loudly, they’re not even considerate enough to notice that the closets are cleaner.

In retrospect, maybe it’s not mornings I hate so much as morning people themselves. It’s no wonder Morning Me is so anti-social. Who can blame me? Morning people are the worst.

I’m so grateful I’m not one of them.