Baby Steps to Adulthood

If I had to do all over again, I’d be decidedly less behaved.

I’d show up late. I’d show up unprepared. I would just not show up to anything in the world I didn’t feel like showing up to. (I’d also end sentences in prepositions just because I felt like it, just because I could.)

But I can’t do those things any more because I’m a grownup and grownups have to show up to things, semi-care about things that are so boring it makes them want to cry (see: anything with numbers), and, worst of all, they have to do things they don’t feel like doing when they don’t feel like doing them. It’s the worst.

(I’m told grownups also have to stop using the word “grownup” because it makes them sound like they are five years old. But I’ll get around to that eventually. I’m taking baby steps here, people. Baby steps.)

I feel like adulthood is something you should ease into gradually. There’s no sense jumping into the tax-prepping, job-working, insurance-requiring, laundry-doing, grocery-shopping of it all immediately. That’s foolhardy, exhausting and potentially hazardous. Seriously, you could pull something doing that. (You’re old now. That shit can happen to you.)

Or, if you’re lucky, you’ll just burnout. You’ll find yourself slumped over your kitchen counter at 7:30 a.m. on a weekday choking down lukewarm coffee wanting nothing in the world more than a sweet, sweet vacation day.

Side note: I’m pretty sure the only reason adults require caffeine is because we’re always rushing off to places we don’t want to go to do things we don’t want to do. That’s tiring stuff.

I’m energetic as hell when I want to do something, but at 7:30 a.m. on a workday, I’m basically the walking (but really, really slowly walking) dead.

It’s just a little hard to motivate yourself to sit in a cubicle all day staring at spreadsheets (or whatever version of boring, adult job you have). It’s tough to get amped up for that kind of thing without a little liquid motivation. (I’m talking about coffee here, people, not alcohol. Don’t drink at work, unless they’re cool with that sort of thing, in which case, hook me up with a job, yo.)

I know that I’m not the only one who requires a little assistance heading to work in the morning. I just may be  a little more vocal about my need for it than other people are. To this end, I’ve frequently been called lazy because I appear to have a stronger aversion to this whole work thing than other people do.

Sure, I may be more vocal about my dislike than most people, but that doesn’t really say much. I’m more vocal about a lot of things simply because I talk too much and love to force my opinions on people, because my opinions are the best, you know, in my opinion.

But I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m lazy. I do my work in a prompt and efficient fashion (you know, not to brag or anything.) It’s just, given the option, I would rather not be at work, which I’m pretty sure is the whole point of it being work. If you wanted to be there, they wouldn’t have to pay you. They’d also call it something much more exciting than “work.” They’d call it “Super Awesome Fun Time Awesome-Sauce” because, in their enthusiasm for the thing, they’d use the word “awesome” too often, like I do, when I’m talking about anything other than adulthood and work, which are usually not awesome at all.

In related news though, I got a new job recently and it’s not too darn bad (which is basically grownup-speak for “awesome-sauce.”)