Unproductive Productivity

I took a nap this afternoon.

It was divine. It was transcendent. It was the tits.

It was also honestly, seriously, the first nap I’ve taken in months (if not years).

I’m not much of a napper because I’m bad at it. I’m bad at anything that requires me to sit still for more than five consecutive minutes  and do only one thing. Sitting just doesn’t sit well with me. (Bad pun-writing though, I’ve got plenty of time for that.)

But I don’t have time for time-wasting.

I’m a hyperactive weirdo who is unnaturally obsessed with unnecessary and often ineffective multitasking. For example, it is practically impossible for me to sit still through an entire episode of a television show, even if it is my favorite television show. (For the record, my favorite television show is Archer, just FYI, in case you wanted to do something useful with your life and watch it.)

This is what my brain does when I try to sit down on the couch and watch a T.V. show with people like I’m a normal person: “Oh, we’re all sitting here doing this one thing together, this is neat but it could probably be better if I were doing two things, like watching T.V. and dusting. I should totally be dusting right now and oh, while I’m at it I should probably start lint-rolling all these throw pillows. Yup, I’ll do that!”

Then I inevitably miss half of my favorite television show because I’ve been sidetracked by lint rolling random objects around the house because, you know, I already had the lint roller out, so why not? In retrospect, it’s probably not a very effective system, but, on the bright side, at least it leads to me getting a lot of lint rolling done.

This pesky personality trait of mine also makes me late almost everywhere I go. Here’s how it goes down: 10 minutes before I’m supposed to leave the house I will decide it is imperative that I do a mundane household task right now, no exceptions.

For instance, I will decide I cannot possibly leave the house before browning hamburger to use in a casserole later, or before I rearrange all the glasses in the cupboard so they all face up instead of down. I will then be amazed and perplexed when this seemingly easy-breezy task takes far longer to complete the the seemingly generous 10 minutes I had allotted myself.

I will be similarly amazed and perplexed when the people I was supposed to be meeting are annoyed at me for being late.  I will be confounded by their opinion that browning hamburger and cupboard organization should be lower on my priority list, particularly when I am supposed to be meeting people at a preset time.

But what do they know about priorities anyway? I bet they’re woefully unprepared for their next meal and I bet all their glasses are probably facing the wrong way like they’re a bunch of barbarians.

They’re probably wasting all their time leisurely watching their favorite television programs and enjoying lengthy, energizing afternoon naps.

Those lucky, lazy, layabouts. They’re so much smarter than me.

(You should see their cupboards though—total disasters.)