Clearly You’ve Never Seen Law and Order

Don’t have one night stands. You could get stabbed.

(I wasn’t using “stabbed” as some sort of euphemism there. I meant it as in legit, knife-inflicted stabbed. Also, if you thought I meant it as a euphemism, you’re gross. And if you just thought something along the lines of “Wait, you’re the one who just suggested it was a euphemism, you pervert.” Touché. Anyhoo…)

Don’t have one night stands, because, yeah, that’s just a crazy bad idea.

Now, I’m not saying this because I have some sort of moral or religious objection to it. This is not a public service announcement. This is not the place you should turn if you need advice on being a better, more responsible person. If you have moral or religious objections to one night stands, that’s just fine and dandy for you, but it’s really none of my business. It’s also none of my business if you don’t.

Seriously, I do not need to know your boudoir business. Go ahead and keep it to yourself, please. I already know too much about a lot of stuff because I have what people call “one of those faces.” This means that I always look vaguely confused but mostly genial. People tell me stuff they probably shouldn’t because a.) they are mislead by my chubby-cheeked face into thinking I’m nice or b.) because they are convinced by my often blank, far-off stare I’m an idiot who doesn’t understand them anyway.

Either way, I know too much. Do not tell me any more stuff. And, as for me, I’m just going to tell you one thing: do not have one night stands.

I say this simply because I’d never have one myself. I’d never have one because I’ve seen far too many acronym-named, melodramatic, police procedurals. (And also, because I’m married.) But it’s mostly because of the police procedurals. I’m looking at you Law and Order: SVU.

Having watched these shows as often as I have, it’d be incredibly embarrassing if I hadn’t learned something from them. The one thing I’ve conclusively learned from my too-many-hours of watching these shows is this: you shouldn’t let strangers all up in your business. That’s just basic logic right there.

I’d be super embarrassed if I had to call up the cops and admit that, yup, I willingly invited some skeezeball  into my house and said skeezeball then stole all my stuff while I was sleeping, like a chump. And, no, unfortunately, I do not remember his name.

If someone steals all my stuff, I want to be able to give an adequate and helpful description so the cops can catch the jerk. And, odds are, if I just invited some random dude from the bar up to my place, I’m going to give a pretty terrible description.

For one thing, it takes me weeks to remember what people look like. Really, it’s weird. I can see people over and over before I remember if they have glasses, or facial hair, or if their hair is black or brown or if they’re 5’9” or 6’3”. (Word to the wise, everyone looks like the same height if you’re short– they all look tall. Everyone looks tall.)

You get the drift – I’m not good with strangers. I’m just not into them for the most part. It’s exhausting having to learn everything about them – their name, whether or not they’re wearing glasses, their favorite color, their favorite books, their favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor, etc.

There’s no way you can learn that much about someone from one night in bar. That level of nosiness takes time and concerted effort. But, despite the effort, you should most definitely know these things about people before you invite them into your home and all up in your business.

This way, if they do, for some reason, eventually steal your stuff, you can helpfully tell the cops: “Well, that guy’s name was Glen. He was totally wearing glasses. His favorite color is blue and his favorite book is ‘Ender’s Game.’ His favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor was Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream.”

You’ll basically be a star witness. They’ll appreciate it.

I bet right now you’re thinking I’m being a super cynical, terrible person. You’re probably also thinking something along the lines of:  “But Ashley, getting to know new people is exhilarating, enriching and eye-opening. Besides, every stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet.”

You’re only thinking that because that’s a thing people say. But do you know what else people say: “Stranger Danger.” They say “Stranger Danger,” because that’s a thing too.

So just keep that in mind.

Also, remember not to watch too many police procedural marathons. That stuff will mess you up…

On a completely unrelated note, I’m no longer allowed to Law & Order: SVU marathons.

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