I’ll Tell You Where You Can Stick That Carat

What I’m about to say is so ridiculous you’re going to assume I’m making it up. I’m not. I promise. And it’s not because of that old adage, “You just can’t make this stuff up.” I can make this stuff up. I just wouldn’t want to.

Because it’s stupid.

At this point you probably shouldn’t be surprised to learn that I’m talking about a jewelry advertisement. I have long-hated jewelry advertisements because almost all of them portray women as materialistic harpies who demean and emasculate their male significant others until they are assuaged into silence and submission by their significant other’s purchase of something shiny.

The message of most of these advertisements is pretty clear: “Give them a diamond and they’ll shut up already. Sheesh.”

So yeah, you get the drift, I don’t usually like these things. But the other day I saw one that really takes the cake in terms of stupid. It’s a real winner. I mean, I like bad puns as much as the next person (okay, I probably like them way more than the next person because I’m lame like that) but even I think this is just too much.

Even I, who in my non-work hours, speaks almost entirely in obscenities, hyperbole and bad puns, have to draw the line somewhere. Even I occasionally think, eh, maybe you should have kept that card in the deck, bud.

I’m usually not easily offended. Seriously I’m not. If you’ve met my family you’d understand why. (For the record, and  I’m only saying with love, but,  if you’re easily offended, you probably shouldn’t hang around my family much. You’re going to hate it. Especially the stuff I say. I can be a real jerk sometimes.)

So owning my jerkdom as I do, I usually don’t think I can be too sanctimonious or judgmental about how other people choose to express themselves.

But sometimes I do. And lucky for you, this is one of those times.

Because it’s 2014, and at some point, I think it’d be just peachy keen if advertisers would pull back on the sexism just a wee, little, tiny bit. Just, you know, to be polite. It’d be cool if, in this day and age, advertisers wouldn’t stick up a giant frickin’ billboard with a picture of a diamond ring on it that says: “Dangle a carat in front of her.”

Seriously? During the creative process, no one said, “So, hey guys, maybe we shouldn’t  compare women to donkeys who are being forced into labor for the promise of a carrot that’s tied to the end of a long stick and dangled in front of them but never actually given to them? Maybe that’s not umm…cool?”

For God’s sake, why didn’t someone object to this ad on its sheer stupidity? Why didn’t fight against it simply because it’s a pretty lame joke?

When this idea was first presented, why didn’t someone give a half-hearted, insincere, awkward chuckle and say, “Yeah, great joke, Bubba. Now…moving on…Does any one have any real ideas?”

(In this hypothetical situation I’m assuming this idea was presented by a man named Bubba who is an idiot. I apologize to any non-idiotic Bubbas I may have offended with this hypothetical example.)

I’m sorry, hypothetical-situation-Bubba, but your idea just stinks. Try a little harder next time.

If you find you need an extra push to step up your game, I can help you out with that. I volunteer to dangle a carrot off a long stick in front of your computer screen until you write something we both deem satisfactory.

I’ve heard that’s a great way to get jackasses to work harder.

Should do wonders for ya.