You know what I mean when I say “I’m fine.”? I mean “I’m fine.” You know what I mean when I say “It’s nothing.”? I mean, “It’s nothing.” And when I say “Sure, go ahead.” I mean (you guessed it) “Sure, go ahead.”
I’m not speaking some secret, manipulative lady language that needs to be analyzed and decoded for signs of hidden messages and agendas.
The words I’m saying are the words I mean (for the most part, with only a smidgen of censoring for the polite removal of expletives.) But in general, I just say what I mean. It’s not that complicated. It’s not that revolutionary, and it’s not that unpopular.
Contrary to what I have heard people say, women are actually capable of direct, coherent, effective communication. Gee golly, gee whiz, who knew, huh?
Okay, that last part was not direct and effective. It was sarcastic and sort of snarky but at least I had the common courtesy to admit it was sarcastic and sort of snarky.
That was pretty helpful of me to admit actually, because some people might truly believe my statements required that sort of explanation.
Translating women’s speech has become so popular there are even Facebook memes with helpful guides on the subject.
Hint: In these guides, “I’m fine,” doesn’t mean “I’m fine.” It means just the opposite.
Get it? Because that’s how women talk. We’re duplicitous, irrational, manipulative, malicious and incapable of speech not dripping with passive aggression. (Again, that was sarcasm.)
Except some of us aren’t. A whole lot of us aren’t actually. I’d wager a whole heck of a lot of us aren’t. A bunch of us have the audacity to just say what we mean to say when we mean to say it.
And that doesn’t make us mean, controlling or abrasive. And it most certainly doesn’t make us bitches. I mean, yeah some of us can be real jerks some times but everyone can be –menfolk included.
We’re all equally capable of being shitty and mean. But, the beautiful part is, we’re also all equally capable of being the opposite.
Regardless of gender, we’re all capable of being competent, direct, effective communicators. So let me be clear here: let’s stop pretending otherwise.
And yes, I know the Facebook memes are jokes. I get that. My feeble little lady brain also understands the concept of humor. (See, I used sarcasm right there. I leaned on it pretty hard actually.)
It’s just, the Facebook memes (much like my above sarcasm) are just not that funny.
It’s all well and good to make yourself the butt of a joke. Self-deprecation is the best.
But there is one caveat: when you decide to make an entire group of people the butt of your joke, just make sure people know you’re joking.
To be clear (in case you still deem this sort of translation necessary) I was serious there. That was not a joke. It is not fine. It is not nothing. Do not go ahead.
In fact, just cut it out.
I mean it.