5 Things You Should Do Because a List Told You To

I got an A+ in my Interpersonal Communication class in college so obviously that qualifies me to give my unsolicited advice to everyone who communicates interpersonally, so, yeah, everyone basically.

For one, I’d recommend people word sentences better than I did up there. I’d also suggest that they don’t announce their grades from five years ago like it’s some great accomplishment. That would make them look like egotistical asses.

But like all great advice-givers, I can’t actually be expected to follow my advice. That would be ludicrous.

Besides, knowing myself like I do, I know I’m not qualified to give advice.

You however, might not know better, so I’m going to bombard you with advice you didn’t ask for anyway. In the hopes that at least one of us will listen.

5 Things You Should Do Because This List Tells You To

1. Stop yelling at people you don’t know to “smile.” This does not make people want to smile. It makes them want to punch you in the face. They may be inclined to smile after they punch you in the face though, so in that way I guess it’s effective. But if you’re not willing to endure a punch in the face to elicit a smile, shut up.

2. Just eat the damn baked good. No one needs to hear the 15 stupid reasons you “really shouldn’t” eat the donuts, cupcakes, cookies, cinnamon rolls, cake or danishes your coworker was considerate enough to bring in to work today to provide a brief sugar-filled respite from the soul-crushing drudgery of the cubicle-filled 8 to 5 world. Eat the damned delicious baked good or shut up and get out of line.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, ask acquaintances when or if they’re going to have kids. This is just an awkward, overly-personal question you have no business asking. Sure, the question seems commonplace and innocuous enough but when you strip it of its pleasantries, what you’re really asking is — “So when are you planning to give the condom the old heave-ho and start having unprotected sex already?” If don’t know the person well enough to ask the question like that, don’t ask it

And here’s two bits of advice that really don’t have much to do with communication but I think we need reminders about anyway.

4. Look both ways before you cross the street. You’re a person, not a Frogger. Dodging cars is not a cool game for you.

5. Wash your hands better. Seriously I’ve seen you at the sinks in public restrooms. Splashing your hands with cold water and then wiping them on the back of your pants is not satisfactory. You’re gross.

So there you have it, follow these five simple tips and you’ll be a slightly better human. Easy peasy.

You don’t have to be a certified interpersonal communication wunderkind to figure this stuff out.

(Disclaimer: I am not a certified interpersonal communication wunderkind. I just wanted an excuse to say wunderkind.)

Still, it’s pretty darn good advice, especially that hand-washing part. That’s a biggie.

Stop being gross, guys. You’re nasty.

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