The thing about me is, I’m a Monica.
If you lived through the nineties or currently have access to Netflix, you should know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Monica Geller (eventually Bing) from the hit sitcom Friends. Obviously.
If you didn’t know Monica Geller Bing was a character from Friends, you need to get a clue. You need to get a life. Wait, no, actually, never mind, what you need to do is get less of a life so you can spend more time binge-watching old sitcoms on Netflix like a normal person.
Anyway, back to what I was saying earlier, I’m a Monica. Like almost everyone else who has ever seen Friends, I wish I was a Chandler, but I’m not. Could I be any less of a Chandler? No, no I could not. That’s my point–I just don’t have it in me to be Chandler Bing.
I’m not that funny. I’m not that unwittingly charming and I could never live compatibly with a chick and a duck, or even with Joey Tribbiani. (Yeah, I know everyone loves Joey and I do too but we all know that man would never use a coaster and that’s a deal-breaker for me.)
So, basically I haven’t got the goods to be Chandler. I do, however, have the bads to be Chandler, which is to say, I do happen to have all of Chandler’s bad qualities. Many of these bad qualities also happen to be Monica’s bad qualities.
Let’s face it, both the Bings are a tad bit neurotic. Monica and Chandler are the show’s resident, tightly-wound, neurotic weirdos. Aside from Phoebe, who is just plain weird (in, you know, an endearing way) Chandler and Monica are probably the looniest of the bunch.
And Monica may be an even bigger weirdo than Chandler because Mon also has the whole obsessive compulsive thing going for her.
I so totally get that. I’m a bit, well, persnickety, myself. Like Monica, I am hell to live with if you want to have any sort of say in the way your home should look or be arranged. I’m the boss of home organization. I have to be or I will lose my mind. You have to fold the blankets a certain way or I will refold them when you leave the room. You have to put everything away. Always. All the time. No exceptions. No, I do not care if you’re going to use it tomorrow anyway. Everything has to be “just so.” I’m very big into “just so.” Typical Monica behavior.
Also, like Monica, I’m very vocal about these sorts of things. I just want what I want when I want it and I’m not afraid to say it, like a boss. Unfortunately, unlike Monica, I’m not actually a boss. Unlike Ms. Geller Bing I am not cool enough to be a head chef.
I am, however, kind of in the food business. By that I mean I make it my business to eat a lot of food. You may not think that counts but I disagree. It’s all just semantics. Potato. Potato. Who cares? Let’s just agree that both Mon and I are really into potatoes.
So, ok, fine. I’m not a head chef like Monica. That’s one of our big differences. Another one of our big differences is I certainly don’t look like Friends-era Courtney Cox. But, really, how many of us actually look like Friends-era Courtney Cox? Answer: not many and thank goodness for that. If we all looked like Courtney Cox we’d all spend all our time staring at our perfectly-symmetrical faces in the mirror all day. No one would get anything done, the world would descend into chaos and everything would become a complete and total mess.
And, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I hate messes.
Because I’m a Monica.