Here’s to My Health and Being Less Nutty About It

I am a health nut.

I’m not a health nut in that I only eat healthy, organic, locally-sourced, high-protein, low-sodium, low-fat food, run tons of marathons, and as such look like the perfect human specimen.

Nope, I’m not that kind of health nut. I wish I was. It’d certainly be more attractive than the kind of health nut I am.

Sadly, I am the kind of health nut who if something — even if it is relatively small and insignificant — goes wrong with my health, I will become a full-on nut about it. Just a big, giant nut job. A big ole bag of nuttiness.

I will freak out about it and suddenly become some sort of symptoms super sleuth– scouring the internet for the true cause of my ailment with a laser-like intensity and single-mindedness I am unable to exhibit in any other aspect of my life where it might actually be useful.

In my book, a headache can never just be a headache. It has to have a reason. Is it allergies? Is it eye strain because I’ve stared at a computer all day? Is it a tension headache because someone has been annoying the bejesus out of me?

I will not rest until I can pinpoint an exact reason for my ailment, and ideally, find something or someone to blame for it. Do I feel bad because of stupid ragweed, or my stupid computer or that stupid person who is annoying me?

I’d feel so much better if I knew. Or at least that’s the theory — that if I figure out what caused it I can fix it faster, ideally immediately because I do not have time for this.

Patience and uncertainty have never really been my bag — I’m a bit type-A like that. Pair that with my innate tendency to be dramatic and self-obsessed, and I become exactly the sort of person health websites were made for.

I also, ironically, become exactly the sort of person who shouldn’t be using these sites. Ever.

(This also makes me exactly the sort of person health professionals hate. Sorry, health professionals. I love you. You are the best. I will try to be less annoying because I think you are great–particularly, you nurses. You are awesome. Dealing with annoying nincompoops like me must get very irritating but you handle it like champs. You’re rock stars. Did I mention I love you?)

That segue was important because you should always be nice to people who are in charge of your health. Only idiots are mean to these people, and I am not an idiot.

I do, however, do some really idiotic things like feeding my symptoms into health websites which always, always end up making me feel worse.

As I type my symptoms into these websites, I always become increasingly concerned that I am about to die, probably at any moment, even as I’m typing my symptoms into the website which is supposed to improve my health.

This isn’t helpful.

If I had to self-diagnosis myself — and I think I’ve thoroughly established I’m into that sort of thing — I’d probably say that I’m a hypochondriac.

Of course, I can’t really be sure about it because I’m no longer allowing myself to visit health websites. Ever.

It may be my healthiest decision I’ve made yet.

It’s certainly the least nutty.